Now this is a topic all of us can relate to. Boy oh Boy! I know I have had my share of bad relationships and bad marriages. LOL! Im serious! I’ve had more bad marriages than bad relationships! Ha ha ha! Ya know what I tell myself to feel better? At least I was married and not just in a series of casual sexual encounters. I really did start off with the best of intentions! Sigh! Then again, they do say the road to hell was paved with the best of intentions!
You might be wondering, who am I to be giving relationship advice? Well, who am I NOT to be giving relationship advice. Let’s face it, aren’t the people who fail at things often in the best position to give tips on what NOT to do? After all, so-called failures are what prime the pump for success, right? Well, for me I have learned a lot about myself through these failed relationships. I also learned a lot about others and what to look out for next time. I’ve learned to discern the good qualities and run from the bad ones. Most importantly, Ive bounced back! Heck yeah! Im back!
There are some things I had to do first in order to grow in comfort with what had transpired in these relationships. There were also some insights I needed to be able to see that helped me accept the ‘failure’ of the marriages/relationships. These things helped me to see that the ‘failures’ in the relationship reflected my need for further growth. As time went on, I was able to shed bad relationships as a much faster rate. I didn’t need to stay in them forever in order to realize it was over before it started. Isn’t that amazing–that I would make my claim to fame my ability to vacate a relationship fast and tout the benefits of doing that? Ha! Seriously, listen to what I’m REALLY saying. Hell, for all the time we spend here on God’s green earth, if we can’t learn something to improve our experience, what the heck is the point?
Those people I was in a relationship with, made me miserable in some way, but they were a reflection of where I was also.
Damn! Thats a tuff realization. To say that, the crazy jerk I was with indicated on some level that I too had some crazy jerkiness in me too! LOL!! Keep in mind this wasn’t something I realized right away. It took multiple failures and some reflection. It took some time on my own having a relationship with me.
A crazy relationship isn’t crazy because of one psycho. It’s crazy because it takes 2 psychos, even if one makes the other crazy during the saga. You attract people that you RESONATE with for some reason or another. For example, two broken people will attract each other. A healthy individual will not attract an unhealthy one. After all, the pair-up won’t have the same vibe. The healthy person will NOT be able to ‘see’ the unhealthy one. And the unhealthy person won’t even see or be attracted to the unhealthy person. The whole point of relationships (from an enlightened) viewed is that through people we learn about ourselves. If we are lucky, we address our own dysfunction through relationship.
It’s really true. There may be levels of chaos in a relationship and it’s not always easy to admit our role, but we MUST accept that we had a role to play and a lesson to learn. Even in the worse cases, isn’t the person who puts up with the chaos in some way a bit ‘touched’ in the same way that the perpetrator is for sure “touched”. Accept that the person involved mirrored you and their purpose was to show you what stuff you still needed to get in order.
INSIGHT #2 As long as I can take responsibility for my role in the mess and then forgive myself for my shortcomings, I am stronger and better off.
You are only ever empowered from a place of personal responsibility. Failing to accept full responsibility for where you find yourself in life makes you unable to take action in the area of self-improvement. Blaming others is the best way to stay in a rut and stay stuck. By accepting my responsibility in what went wrong, I am able to address areas where I need to improve. I am able to see that I am the one who created this situation or allowed the genesis of it. I therefore have no one to blame and I can therefore begin the healing myself and forgiving the other individual. I can forgive myself as well. Self-forgiveness is what really allows you to move forward. Through self-forgiveness you don’t indict yourself for your wrongs. You acknowledge them, learn from them, and compassionately allow yourself to move on.
Accepting responsibility for your life demonstrates that you are ready and willing to learn from your mistakes. This means that I could be a better ‘me’ in the next relationship. By seeing my inadequacies in the previous relationship, I developed a greater degree of self-awareness, which will really help me to assess my strengths and weaknesses.
INSIGHT #3 When I learned my lesson and was ready for the next level of life lessons, the relationship ended.
This is the most beautiful part. If you surrender to this insight, you can surrender to the wisdom of a higher power and know that you got what you needed at that particular point in the journey. Life is a journey and a series of lessons designed to evolve us into better beings. The fact that the relationship ended really means that you triumphed in some way over a fear or weakness or shortcoming. At the very least, you had a realization of something that couldn’t have happened while in the relationship.
The relationship is now over and you’ve learned that lesson, hopefully never to repeat it again. If you do decide to repeat it again, for whatever reason, you will continue to revisit the pattern and the pain until you decide that enough is enough and you’ve lost the desire for that particular lesson. Usually, the lesson has something to do with our inability to honor ourselves. In some way we accepted less than we deserved. When we don’t value ourselves, we meet people who don’t value themselves. When we don’t respect ourselves, we meet people who don’t respect themselves or us.
INSIGHT #4 It was never meant to last a lifetime.
Everyone comes into our life for a reason or a season. Some relationships are not meant to last a lifetime. You know this because they end. Smile. So let it go and move on. Never mourn the loss of something that never really belonged to you in the first place. See it as a necessary part of your journey to greatness and get on with the rest of your lessons and great experiences. Let go, because until you do, you can’t really approach another relationship in the right frame of mind. You also will cut yourself off from other potential blessings that require you to be fully present instead of mourning something that was never going to be.
INSIGHT #5 As long as I was unhappy or not thriving in the relationship, we were never really compatible in the first place. In other words, the relationship had its limits.
For this reason, the best thing I could do was not prolong the agony and move on with the rest of my life. What did I really look like mourning the loss of something that was bad for me and made me feel bad? That’s self-destructive. But, when we are taught that relationships are hard and have lots of pain, we lower our expectations and put up with all kinds of crap. After a while, we can no longer see the distortions in our relationship. We start thinking its normal. Usually we don’t realize how warped things were until we get OUT of the relationship.
A relationship should be spiritually fulfilling. When it is, mentally, physically, and emotionally you will be fed. For the long term, you need someone who can be a spiritual partner. Someone who can celebrate your successes. Someone who is striving to better him or herself at the soul level. Someone who is not an energy drain. Someone who has your back in all situations. Someone you love easily because it feels good to do so, and they love you easily.
INSIGHT #6 Through reflection and self-awareness I am able to learn more about my unique needs and what kind of man/mate I really need in my life.
I am now resistant to accepting less than I deserve. I am more discerning of who I let into my life. This applies to all kinds of relationships. The more I am true to myself, the more I align with what keeps me happy. The less negative energy and contraction I allow into my being, the fuller a life I can lead. I know what I need in a quality relationship. I know who I need to be in order to have a quality relationship. I constantly strive to be a better partner in all aspects of my life.
What you learn in any kind of relationship transfers over to all of your relationships. If you learn how to eliminate bad romantic partners from your life, you are able to do the same for friendships and jobs and anything else that no longer serves your highest good.
INSIGHT #7 As long as the relationship ends, it means that there is someone out there for me that is a better match!
Wow! Yes! Keep hope alive! This is the best of all the insights. Yup! As long as that junk ended, it means that something better is going to unfold for you. How foolish would it be to reject the delivery of the perfect gift to hold on to the substandard one just so you can say you have a gift! Huh!! Uhn! Know that your direction of travel is upward and getting better and better as you grow into who you truly are. You can’t get there holding on to the past. You get there by accepting the wisdom of a higher power, trusting in its ability to deliver just what you need, and being unconditionally patient.
Butterfly Questions to Ponder:
- What are/were you providing of benefit in your relationship?
- How are/were you taking away from your relationship?
- What is/was your partner providing in a relationship?
- What is/was your partner taking away from the relationship?
- What is the lesson that you learned from the relationship?
- What needs to be forgiven in the relationship?
- What made you incompatible and was it there from the beginning?
- How are you better for the next relationship because of this one?
- Do you believe a better match is on its way to you? Why or why not?
- What are 10 qualities of the person who is your ideal mate?
- What are 5 qualities of a healthy relationship?
I trust in my Higher Power’s infinite wisdom.
I am ready for my ideal partner.
My ideal partner is on his way to me.
A healthy relationship always feels good.
I feel supported in my love life.
I see myself through relationship.
© 2017 Butterfly Transformations Tunisia Ali, M.Ed, RM CPEC
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